my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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