You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He shit in the fireplace
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
