Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize