i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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