they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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