Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
