I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
