Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
