There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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