OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
