If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
