the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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