she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize