you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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