My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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