People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
