You really coming over, don't trick.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
