So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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