And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
