It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
