yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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