and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
