my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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