those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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