You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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