I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
