walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
