my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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