please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She bit a glass in half.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
