So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He passed out mid-signature
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
