You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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