i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
