I puked a lego.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
