Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
