I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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