i was born a porn star she said
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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