Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So much rum. So many feels.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
