When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
