So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
