You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
