she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize