you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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