I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
