The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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