I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize