Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
