What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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