Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
