Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
