I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
