He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Two words: blizzard sex
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
