Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize