yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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