Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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