Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
