i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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