I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
