What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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